Does happily ever exist?

Do you promise when you grow up, you will do things differently? Yes, do you? My sister asked. Yes, I do. Somehow, we will be the start of something new. My sisters and I grew up in an abusive home, where it was drilled into you that you were no good and never would amount to anything. Punishments were cruel and severe. Kneeling on a register vent for hours, standing in a corner unable to move for days, locked in bedroom, for days and days. Sitting in the laundry room with my sister making that promise to one another, did we know how hard that journey was going to be.

Growing up, I would fantasize about the day that I would find my prince charming, he would save me, and we will live happily ever after in our little white house with a picket fence. Laughter and happiness sound out in every moment of our existence. Little did I know lurking in the back of my mind was the darkness that drew me to a world of failed relationships and disappointments. Over and over again, I would find myself caught up, giving 150% of me, only to meet with abuse and failure. I am a world changer, and I can love people to change, but a piece of me died with every failed relationship.

I realized ten years ago that there was nothing left for me to give, even if I would not know how to love or be loved. Everything I grew up thinking it was, it was not, and there was no one to model what was right. I fought to fill empty spaces with anything that would ease the pain, fill the void, or whisk me off to something new and make me forget where I came from, only to find myself in a darker place.

Ten years ago, I stopped trying to fill the emptiness and pain by focusing on raising my children. I believed closing that part of my life; I would protect all of us. Today as my children are older, they will carry wounds of their own. In some ways, it did protect them, but in others, it deepened them. I sit here today lonely and broken. These chains that have shackled me are heavy, and I am tired. Tell me, does happily ever after exist?

 

DANCING IN THE RAIN

I never really understood dancing in the rain but over the past year I have learned not only what it means but how to dance in the rain. Sometimes in life you go through just gentle rain showers and sometimes IT STORMS! But as it rains/storms in nature things are nourished and growth takes place, fresh water comes down and replenishes the old or evaporated water. Sometimes the storms are so severe they tear down things for them to be gone or rebuilt. When you stop and think about it rain is refreshing. The storms of our lives serve the same purpose and sometimes we go through a season where it pours and pours and storms and tears stuff down but at the end of every storm is God’s promise: A rainbow so beautiful in color stretching across the sky serving as a reminder that He would never destroy the earth again by flood, the sun starts to shine and a refreshening fills the air. Things have been cleaned, fed, and watered and growth has come as a result of rain/ storms of life. The girls and I when the weather is warm and it is just rain found that going outside to play in the rain to dance in the rain to stand with our arms opened wide and just let it fall on us is fun and a welcomed time of just resting in God’s gift. Life no matter rain or shine is a gift from God And it is easy to dance when the sun is shining and even when a little rain falls but the greatest joy comes when the Storms of life come and you still are dancing. Rest in God today and know that He is still God and sun or rain He is still in control and the beauty of the storm is not often seen until after the storm passes. Keep your eyes lifted unto the hills where your help comes from The Lord he will never leave or forsake you in any season! The rain is a time for growth and to establish deeper roots. Embrace your storm and know freedom and joy come from dancing in the rain!
“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10, 11 KJV)”