Does happily ever exist?

Do you promise when you grow up, you will do things differently? Yes, do you? My sister asked. Yes, I do. Somehow, we will be the start of something new. My sisters and I grew up in an abusive home, where it was drilled into you that you were no good and never would amount to anything. Punishments were cruel and severe. Kneeling on a register vent for hours, standing in a corner unable to move for days, locked in bedroom, for days and days. Sitting in the laundry room with my sister making that promise to one another, did we know how hard that journey was going to be.

Growing up, I would fantasize about the day that I would find my prince charming, he would save me, and we will live happily ever after in our little white house with a picket fence. Laughter and happiness sound out in every moment of our existence. Little did I know lurking in the back of my mind was the darkness that drew me to a world of failed relationships and disappointments. Over and over again, I would find myself caught up, giving 150% of me, only to meet with abuse and failure. I am a world changer, and I can love people to change, but a piece of me died with every failed relationship.

I realized ten years ago that there was nothing left for me to give, even if I would not know how to love or be loved. Everything I grew up thinking it was, it was not, and there was no one to model what was right. I fought to fill empty spaces with anything that would ease the pain, fill the void, or whisk me off to something new and make me forget where I came from, only to find myself in a darker place.

Ten years ago, I stopped trying to fill the emptiness and pain by focusing on raising my children. I believed closing that part of my life; I would protect all of us. Today as my children are older, they will carry wounds of their own. In some ways, it did protect them, but in others, it deepened them. I sit here today lonely and broken. These chains that have shackled me are heavy, and I am tired. Tell me, does happily ever after exist?

 

Prove It

I grew up in a family where children were not to be heard and could not do anything right. Over and over again I would never amount to anything. Over and over these words echoed in my head as I journeyed through life. Prove it became the melody in my head as I pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion in everything I did, because in my mind I had something to prove to my parents that I am someone and that I am going to make it. I ended up in college and became a nurse, as a single mom built a house to raise my family in, now back in college and working hard to be on the Dean’s list and the other day I had a breakdown moment and realized, the very same people I feel I have to prove something to are no longer living. Then I realized the people around me do not care whether I am on the Dean’s list, or successful, or….. what am I doing living to prove I am someone? I realized for the past 45 years I have lived with those haunting words and I do not want to live like that anymore because in living to prove I am someone, I lost me. Learning to be free from that prison is a day by day journey. Somedays those words still echo in my mind, but I have learned to pause and remind myself to breathe, and embrace my new journey one step at a time. How many of you are in the same situation? Struggling to prove something to someone is life draining and engulfs you in a prison of misery. I want you to know today that the real you are more valuable than the person you have allowed yourself to become. Any day that you are ready to stop proving yourself to people and open the prison door and take that step is the day you will begin to experience the freedom of being you.

 

One day…..

My mama used to tell me “T never lose yourself in the midst of raising kids because one day they will be gone and you will be left picking up the pieces of your emptiness.” I have raised kids for the past 30 years and now there are only two teenagers left at home, and my mother’s words are coming to life. I should have listened but I did not. Today’s teens are so different than they used to be, they have their phones, electronics, and those things become their family, their reason for existence and their parents become lost in the shuffle. There are days like today I am left wondering what I did wrong, or if I should just get a life and stop trying so hard to be the parent they do not want, right now. I do not know how many times I have heard I do not need you all up in my business, or I do not want to talk about it, or not be included in the little things in life. People tell me it is a phase and they will grow out of it, but do they really? I try not to take it personally but some days it is harder than others. If you have teens how do you handle the silence or the time to get a life, or pick up the pieces of the emptiness?

 

Through a mother’s eyes

It is so hard to watch your children navigate through life as a mother. It does not matter their age when their wings are broken through heartache, mistakes, and the journey called life, you just want to jump in and protect them or fix the problem, but you know you cannot do that because they will never learn the lessons or build their strength. The pain they go through, resounds within our hearts. When the wings of a bird are broken, they are fractured, and they need that care or support, but you cannot handle them frequently or else they will not heal. The same goes for our children, we must accept they will be broken, they will hurt, and they will need encouragement but the best thing we can do for them is allow them to heal and encourage them to fly again. As a mother, we must realize broken wings are meant to heal and when they fly again our pain turns to joy. We want to see our children fly again through a mother’s eyes because when they fly, we know they have the strength to survive.

 

Let’s talk about this vaccine; I know and understand that not everyone is going to agree and I am OK with that. I have been a nurse for 25 + years, currently specializing in Infectious Disease. We have been dealing with this Virus for the past 18 months or longer, and yet they are endlessly pushing and manipulating people to fall into line and become injected with this MRNA vax. I have worked front line, seen everything that is going on and I am not buying that the only way to keep COVID-19 a bay is to inject everyone. Listen, when this thing first started the medical profession were tossed to the wolves unprotected, and threatened. Personal Protective Equipment was locked up and if you wore N95 (which the CDC has recommended off and on) you were threatened with discipline. The CDC and all the government has gone back and forth with their information and no one can say Sars has not been around for some time. Later I will provide a link. People are standing up for their rights and their freedom to choose what is injected into their bodies. Why? Take a look:

 “Caution in proceeding to application of a SARS-CoV vaccine in humans is indicated.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3335060/ Next use your Google search engine and type in 233 New Cases. What pops up? Type in Infectious Disease Volume 107 and read. The information is endless out there warning people. Finally, Anything that creates this much chaos, hate, or distrust in each other is not from God. That gut wrenching feeling deep inside when you know something is not right.. I have had it since the beginning, it will not go away. The last thought for now is this:

Introduction

 

10 Down to Many to Go

This journey has so many emotions rolled into it. Weeks go by 0.5lbs, 1 pound, +0.5, and etc. Seriously somedays I think the scale is off and I keep telling myself, keep going. Every little step is progress. Keep adjusting diet, move a little more, drink more water and do not give up! How many of you are in the same position? I went to the doctor and it was recorded 10 down!!! Then they suggested I start take medication to suppress my appetite and increase the weight loss. I explained I do not eat much now, and I explained as a nurse I have seen the side effects of the medication. Some people become psychotic and do weird things like pull there eyebrows off, and did sores into their skin. Then when they reach their goal they add it all back on and more. No thank you I will pass. 10 is good, slowly and naturally. It may be slower and harder but when it is gone it is gone.! What do you guys think? What are tips and tricks that have helped you to lose weight and keep it off? I guess I never thought of weight lose including the mind. It starts in the mind and flows into everything else. How do you keep focused when the world pushed food? Hey guys I really could use your help. Leave your tips, ideas, thoughts in the comment section!!

 

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!!

I have to say as a nurse I am disheartened by the controversy taking place over the jab. We know everything the government wants us to know and everything is hidden or left out. I am not anti va x but I am pro choice when it comes to this jab/C vaccine. As a nurse we are taught and as a person I have learned to look at all the data. Not just what social media or the government gives me. Research and find truth. I will say this working in healthcare I have seen recently an increase of people who have been vaccinated 1) get re infected with C ovi d 19, 2) 1 to 6 months out come in very sick with unexplainable illness. 3) or are perfectly fine and now very ill or have died. These are things that are not being told to the public because we as healthcare workers are not allow to speak about the things being related to the pandemic jab. I am watchin like every other healthcare professional are watching this take place and not a word is being said to you the public. It scares me and scares me for the future of my children how things can be so distorted and manipulated so much that we can not choose for ourselves whether we received a jab that is not F D A approved and given without an after thought. Mandated like a heard of guinea pigs. I have never heard in my entire life or the lives of my ancestors where a jab was bribed. People want more things, so they dangle people’s desires in front of them and common sense has left the building. I am not trying to tell you should or should not but what I am saying do your own research, talk to the super heroes of yesterday and ask them what they are seeing and be willing to honestly listen, it could honestly save your life or a life of a loved one. Survival rate 97.5-99%. AS for me and my family we will trust our immune systems to do what God designed them to do. What are your thoughts or experiences? Remember let’s respect each other view points and help each other get through alive and well.

 

Middle aged spread!

Sorry I have not posted as often as I would like, life has kept this household busy. Well, I have to save the weight loss shot my doctor prescribed ended up costing me more problems than it was worth, so back to the all natural way. Weight loss for me is like taking 5 steps ahead and then back one. Back and forth like a rockin chair, if any of you all our there have any suggestions I would appreciate it. Middle aged weight loss is by far the hardest I have ever encountered, it honestly is depressing and frustrating. On a lighter note the other day I came across this meme that said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for a short time and come out wrinkle free and two size smaller.” Hey that would be a jump start!!! Please feel free to comment below, any tips, recipes that you have tried and enjoy, simple exercises, reading that I can do, anything please join my journey to a new me!!!

 

A Thousand Pieces

It is so hard as a single parent to do everything you possibly can do to raise you children right in a world that is upside down. I have five girls and the youngest one has always been my challenge. I adopted her at birth, and never hid the fact she was adopted because I did not want to ever lie to her and have her hate me when she found out the truth. Over the years she has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Attachment Disorder, etc. She is a straight “A” student.. however her friend choice not so good. I never have been more glad that school was coming to an end. Defiant, hanging around a 17 year old freshman in high school who puts weed in his mask, a group of kids that have been talking about hurting me because of her behavior she is not allowed to go out and hang with them very often or have her cell phone. Found that she was starting to dabble into cutting, and loves to wear emo clothing. (yes she restarts therapy this coming week) I guess I just do not understand what drives kids now a days to even think about hurting themselves or someone else. I also do not understand why she hates me for adopting her. Either way she would have hated me so in this situation I still would have lost. Have any of you been through this? I am so lost and hurt…I feel like I have to watch my back, hard to sleep at night wondering what her and her friends are plotting. Right now she is without electronics until after she sees a therapist. My heart is shattered into a thousand pieces, bleeding a slow bleed surrounded by fear…

Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

 

80 more to go

Has any one else struggled with a weight loss journey? How did you persevere to accomplish your goal? Always feel free to leave comments, suggestions, or recipes in the comment section. Anyone who has been on a weight loss journey knows it is not easy. Every season I find myself saying the foods of the season are a struggle… Do you? I am happy to report so I have lost 11 pounds!!!!! 80 more to go!!! Somedays it is so easy other days the fight is on. The one thing I have learned about myself during this journey is I am a stress/distress eater. In the past few years with my mom’s diagnosis of lung cancer, then passing away and right around the corner from that COVID, and sitting at a desk the majority of the day does not help keeping the weight off. How many of you have a desk job? What do you do to help keep the weight off and not snack at work? Well guys it is time to wrap this up as I have a graduation party to finish planning. Please share your story below, I’ll be waiting to hear from you!!

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com